Good Vibrations

Last night while our family of four drove to our son's basketball game, Zac (age 13) had his iPhone plugged into our car radio and we were listening to some of his music. Needless to say, it was very loud in the car.

My wife, Monique, said, "Wow... the base is really cranked up. I'm going to lower it some."

Zac replied, "No! Don't lower the base!"

I deadpanned, "Zac, the base is so high that the vibrations are giving me an erection."

"That's gross."

It was lowered without anymore argument from Zac.

Picture This (JAN 31)

Once Upon A Time - Review

"Once Upon A Time" is a show still in the middle of it's first year run on ABC. I came to it late, but have caught up. It's been a very pleasant surprise. The show's creators and writers have come up with a wonderful concept. It's the story of fairy tale characters who have been shifted to today's time buy a spell cast from the "Wicked Witch," who happens to be the mayor in Storybrook, Maine, where the characters all now reside. There's Snow White, Jiminy Cricket, Little Red Riding Hood, Rumplestiskin, Hanzel & Gretle and many more. I love how each episode reveals the back story of a story book character and then shows them in this new life. It's always a story within a story. None are aware that they are story book characters who are trapped in this small town, until the Wicked Witch/Mayor's "adopted" son who stumbles upon the truth by comparing townfolk with characters from his books. His teacher is Snow White. (Ginnifer Goodwin, who just by herself makes the show worth watching) His "real" mother is Snow's daughter in fairy tale land, but in the town she's the new sherrif! Complicated? You bet, but it's great family entertainment! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised as well. Check out the first episode below. Let me know what you think.

Cage Match

Let's face it. Nicolas Cage is a little creepy. If it's possible, his wax figure is creepier than he is. Guess which is which?

Muppets vs Fox News

Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy hit back at Fox News during a UK press conference following the London Premiere of their new film. Fox had publically criticized the film for supposedly pushing a 'dangerous liberal agenda' at kids.

MAINER Fact #2

Picture This (JAN 30)

Weighing Matters

It's very difficult to maintain my fantasy that I'm thin when the dogs are walking on top of the crushed snow and I'm sinking into the stuff like it's made of butter.

Egg On Your Face

While grocery shopping, today, the cashier's statement actually had me standing there speechless. (A rare event in itself.) While handing me the canvas grocery bag, she politely said, "Your eggs are underneath the two bags of apples."

MAINER Fact #1

BOOK REVIEW: Motel Hell

Mr. Sides does an excellent job of explaining the escape of James Earl Ray (aka Eric Galt) from Missouri State Penitentiary on April 23, 1967 until his capture on June 8, 1968 for the murder of Dr./Reverend King. The author does not stray from the evidence known about Mr. Ray's doings and acknowledges that some gaps about who helped him escape the penitentiary and how did he have enough cash to sustain him are still a mystery. However, I agree with Mr. Sides that based upon Mr. Ray's actions, there was no real conspiracy.

The massive manhunt which would involve the FBI, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, New Scotland Yard, Interpol and a few other countries was truly one of the finest hours for law enforcement. The author also takes pains to give a more rounded description of some of the major players such as Reverend King, James Earl Ray, J. Edgar Hoover, Lyndon Johnson, Jesse Jackson, Ralph Abernathy, George Wallace and some law enforcement agents.

This very descriptive and sometimes gut-wrenching story does a fine job of putting a national tragedy into proper perspective. There are more detailed works such as Taylor Branch's trilogy (Parting the Waters, Pillar of Fire, and At Canaan's Edge) about the Civil Rights Movement. Mr. Sides' book is not attempting to be in that league. Despite knowing the outcome, the author's retelling kept me totally enthralled. It's simple a great historical book that keeps both feet planted in reality and not spewing out silly conspiracy theories.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing book reviews under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review. #282)

Pillow Talk

A traveling salesman was having a beer at a local drinking hole and while at the bar, he took up a conversation with another customer.

"I got into town around midnight, but there was only one hotel and the clerk said every room was taken."

"So what did ya do?" Asked the other patron.

"Man, I begged. I got down on my knees and I pleaded, 'Pleeeease, ya got to have a room.'"

"And?"

"Finally, the clerk said she had a double room with only one occupant, and he probably wouldn't mind splitting the cost. The only problem was the guy in that room snored somethin' fierce. Apparently, his snoring was so loud that people down the hall complained about it. She told me I wouldn't get a minute's sleep."

"So what did ya do?"

"I took the room."

"How'd ya sleep?"

"No problem."

"Didn't the other guy's snoring keep you awake?"

"Naaaaw... I got dressed for bed, went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Picture This (JAN 29)

Pecker's Peril

Phil took a fancy to a parrot he saw in a local pet store. He thought his wife and young kids would love having such a colorful, unique creature in their house. So, Phil bought the little fellah, who he named Pecker, and brought him home.

However, shortly after settling in on his perch, Pecker started spewing out the most vile profanity and terrible language ever to be spoken under their roof. To make matters worse, the parrot leered at Phil's wife and began insulting her as well as making countless lewd gestures.

That did it. Phil had had enough. He grabbed Pecker by the throat, opened the freezer door and threw the parrot's sorry little ass into it to teach him a lesson.

Pecker kept on squawking, cursing and screaming in there for a while, and then all of a sudden the parrot became deathly quiet.

Phil opened the freezer door, and Pecker walked out, looked up at him, and said, "I sincerely apologize for offending you and your family, and I most humbly ask your forgiveness."

Phil replied, "Well, thank you. You're forgiven. So, you got the message?"

"Absolutely... Ehhhh... Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Not at all."

Pecker gestured towards the back of the freezer and said, "What the fuck did the chicken do?"

Picture This (JAN 28)

Danny MacAskill Makes Me Feel Inadequate

And Now a Blessed Moment With Rowan Atkinson

Ice Porn

Seriously, they should just stop their skating routine and get a room.

Ehhhh....

I'm a little rusty on the whole luxury cruise thingy, but I don't think the boat is supposed to be sitting like that.

Joke of the Day

Pastor Jake was a young minister who grew up in New York City and was appointed to tend to the spiritual needs of a small, rural, Maine town. On his first day in the town, Pastor Jake was asked by a funeral director to conduct a graveside service for a homeless man with no family or friends.

The cemetery was way the hell back in the countryside, and the minister got lost trying to find the place. Pastor Jake started cursing under his breath. It was his very first duty in the new town and he was screwing it up by being late to administer the service. Finally, he saw a backhoe in a field and the gravediggers standing by, but no hearse was in sight.

Pastor Jake screeched to a stop near the backhoe, jumped out of his car and ran over to the grave. The vault lid was already in place. Sweating and breathing heavily, he gave the three men standing near the hole a curt nod, opened up his Bible and immediately began to preach. He talked about God's mercy, the parable of the Prodigal Son, the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in silent prayer.

One of the workers said, "By God, in my twenty years of doing this kind of work, I ain't never seen anything like it before while putting in a septic tank."

Picture This (JAN 27)

Breaking Bad - the SitCom

It's amazing what adding a lame laugh track can do to any show. If you've seen "Breaking Bad," you know it's a very intense dark drama...but not anymore!

What?

A Meyers Family Moment

Our son, Zac, is part of a talent show at his Middle School today. As he was about to leave and walk down to the bus stop, Zac said, "I'm not even nervous." Our son is inherently one cool cucumber.

My wife, Monique, replied, "That's good, Zac. It's because you've been practicing. If you want to avoid being nervous before performing in a show or giving a presentation, always practice a lot."

I said, "Or smoke a joint."

Zac stared at me and deadpanned, "There's something wrong with you."

Zac and his brother, Jon, say that a lot.

Cartoon from the Crypt

January 12, 1997

Maine Sunday Telegram

Joke of the Day

Two friends, Barbie and Tiffany, were walking down the
street and passed a flower shop where Tiffany happened to see her boyfriend, Dirk, buying flowers.

She sighed and said, "Oh, damn... Dirk is buyin' me
flowers again."

Barbie looked quizzically at her friend and said, "What's the
big deal, Tiff? Don't ya like gettin' flowers?"

Tiffany said, "Oh sure, but Dirk always has certain expectations after givin' me flowers, and I just don't feel like spendin' the next three days on my back with my legs up in the air."

Barbie said, "Gee whiz, don't ya have a vase?"

Picture This (JAN 26)

Another Father-&-Son Moment While Driving

My 11-year-old son, Jon, and I were listening to the radio while I drove him to school. He said, "I like this song."

I replied, "Huh... Really? 'Cause this is so a gay song."

"It's not gay!"

"Naw... I'm just kidding. There's no such thing as a gay song. Music is music."

"Dad..." Jon giggled, "Have you ever played for the other team?" Maybe it wasn't such a hot idea for Monique and me to let our two sons watch old Seinfeld episodes.

"What?!"

"Have. You. Ever. Played. For. The. Other. Team?"

"What the...? No... No... I like playing for my team. I mean I really, reeeeeally like playing for my team. There's nothing wrong with wanting to play for the other team, but it's never been my thing. In fact, when I was younger, I wished I had more playing time on the field with my team. But I've always been a second stringer... SIGH... I sat on the friggin' bench a lot. Hell, there were times when I thought I was going to be the eternal waterboy."

"TMI, Dad. TMI."

I get that a lot.

Joke of the Day

A father and his 11-year-old son were shopping in a supermarket when the boy spied a display of condoms. Timmy asked, "Dad, what are these?"

"Well, THOSE, son, are a 3-pack of condoms for frisky lads who are in high school. One is for Friday night, another is for Saturday night and the third one is for Sunday night."

"What about this 6-pack, Dad?"

"Well, well... those are for horny, little, University chaps who can't keep their pork swords in their pants . Two are for Friday night, two for Satuday night and the last two are for Sunday night."

 
"Well... gee, Dad, what about this 12-pack then?"

"Those are for us married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March ..."

Picture This (JAN 25)

Subway Pole

New York's new strip club sensation...Subway Sally!

Narcissistic Madonna

Madonna was snubbed in the "Best Song" category when the Oscar nominations were announced today.~~ After seeing her speech when she won at the Golden Globes, is it any wonder?

Book Review: Randall Kennedy

Whose Line Is It Anyway?



It Beats Shuffleboard

Family Feud

On a recent "Family Feud," nobody guessed this particular answer to the question, "Name something an airline pilot might be holding on a long flight."

Joke of the Day

Sven and Gustav went to the beach. After a couple hours, Sven said, "Dis ain't no fun. How come de girls ain't friendly to me?"

Gustav replied, "Well, I tell you, Sven, maybe if you put a potato in your swim trunks dat would help."

So Sven did as Gustav suggested. Later, he came back after another walk and said, "I tried what you told me with da potato, but it didn't help."

Gustav replied, "No Sven - you're supposed to put da potato in da front."

Picture This (JAN 24)

Shameless

Do you ever just get hooked into watching a show that you really don't like, yet you keep watching. I think I'm at that point with "Shameless." If you're not familiar, it's a re-make of a British show, that is currently in it's second season on Showtime.

What drew me to the show to begin with was William H. Macy. He's one of those actors, for me, that if he's in something, I'll watch it. He plays the absent alcoholic patriarch who has lived off the "system" his entire life. He only pops into the kid's lives when he wants something. Eldest daughter Fiona, Emmy Rossum, while constantly taking her clothes off, tries to hold the family together. The oldest son trades tutoring skills for sexual favors. The middle son, a West Point wannabe, has a gay relationship with his married boss. The youngest daughter, the responsible one, is stealing money from her UNICEF collection and the 10 year old son is a budding sociopath and arsonist. Let's not forget about the agoraphobic, Joan Cusak and her sex crazed teen daughter.

"Shameless" is just another in a long line of recent shows that feature and focus on unlikeable characters. It's like the writers say, "Alright, how disdainful can we make this weeks show?" "Shameless" tries too hard! Instead of me, as a viewer, wanting to know what's going to happen to the characters next, I'm wondering how far are they going to push the absurdity, yet I continue to watch...at least one more week. Maybe the writers do know what they're doing! 

Cut the Cheese

Our youngest son, Jon, was 9 years old when this commercial came out. Apparently, it was a memorable skit because, the next day, he raised his hand during class and asked the 4th-grade teacher, "Mrs. Tibbitts, may I go to the bathroom? I have to pinch a loaf."

Better Left Unsaid

I've been a freelance cartoonist for over twenty years. Because of the nature of my profession, clients contact me when they're in need of odd material. It's mostly upbeat, quirky cartoons that they're looking for me to illustrate. Not the kind of stuff you'd see the need for advertising a... oooh, let's say funeral home. Despite the lighthearted nature of my work, I still will cross the line of business propriety.  A lot of verbal junk spills out of my mouth that, in hindsight, should be left unsaid. Sometimes, it's intentional and sometimes it most certainly is not. It's an occupational hazard.

Quite a few years ago, I was talking on the phone with a new client from an advertising agency. During our discussion, the art director asked me if I read poetry?

I asked, "You mean like There Once Was a Man from Nantucket?"

She burst out laughing. The client knew the whole limerick. I didn't. I knew just the first line. After we hung up, I figured it might be a good idea for me to google the poem and read the sucker.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
And he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it.

I immediately called her back and apologized big time.

Joke of the Day

Why did the staff give the old men in the nursing home Viagra before they went to sleep?

To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Picture This (JAN 23)

Joke of the Day

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a redneck's murder?

Because the DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.

Picture This (JAN 22)

Chris Rock's Safety Tips for the Road

A FATHER-&-SON TEACHING MOMENT WHILE DRIVING

My 13-year-old son, Zac, and I were driving to his Gorham Recreation basketball game when I asked, "Did you bring your gym sneakers?"

"Oh... no. I forgot." replied Zac.

"Call mom and she'll bring them along when she meets us at the game." My wife, Monique, is extremely bad at judging time and is usually running late to any scheduled event. This is why she was coming in a separate car.

Zac used his cell phone and called her. "Hello?... Mom?... I forgot my basketball sneakers... Yeah... Yeah... Okay, thanks... Bye..." He hung up and said, "She's gonna bring them."

"Did she give you a lecture."

"No."

"What did she say?"

"All she said was 'You're kidding.'"

"So, she did lecture you."

"No she didn't."

"Yeah... she did."

"All she said was 'You're kidding.'"

"And we Mainers are known for being pretty reserved. THAT'S considered a lecture." I shifted uncomfortably in the driver's seat. "...God, I'm friggin' hot. Are you?"

"No. I'm fine."

I looked at the heater. It was turned off. I liked my surroundings to always be nice and cold. If I had it my way, Maine weather would always hover around a comfortable fifty degrees. I then gazed down at the switch to the electric seat warmer. It was set to HOT. I said, "No friggin' wonder. I knew something wasn't right when my entire body is comfortable but my ass crack is sweating like mad. Remember that, Zac."

"I'm going to try not to."

The Assumption Song

Movie Review: Dolphin Tale

   Finally saw Dolphin Tale last night with the family. We were hoping to see it when it was in theaters, but never had the time. Glad we got around to checking it out. The movie was inspired by the true story of a Dolphin who "touched" a young boy who needed a spark in his life.    
   Very low key, but strong performances by Harry Connick, Jr, Kris Kristofferson and the boy, Nathan Gambel.  Morgan Freeman, as usual is great and Ashley Judd is always a plus in my book.
   There are a few contrived plot lines, but hey it's a family flick, we're not supposed to do too much thinking. Just enjoy and have some tissues ready.
   Keep watching till the end to see live footage of "Winter."
 

Joke of the Day

What did the Mainer say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Hey... nice tan.

Photo Phunny JAN 21

Lewis Black - Airplanes

Rejection!

Hazel Jones is a 27-year-old British woman with two vaginas! She has just rejected a million dollar offer to appear in a porn film and show off her “uterus didelphys” … a condition which caused her to develop 2 sets of female reproductive organs. In other words, two vaginal canals with two openings. What would have been a good porn movie name for the film?  I'll go first: "Two and a Half Hymen."

The Bizarro Odd Couple

There is no way in God's creation that I'm not go to address some of the goofy bullshit when Mac and me rented an apartment (if you could call it that) together during our senior year in college. We were like a Bizarro version of the Odd Couple. Mac was the filthy, messy one but he was lean like Felix. I was the neat freak but shaped more like Oscar. I'm not sure if we could have lived together beyond a year without one of our families eventually filing a missing person's bulletin on one of us. If Mac would have killed me first, he could have shoved my body under his unwashed laundry. Not even CSI would have found me. Oh, the stories, my friends. The stories. (Meyers)

Khloe Meet Daddy

Khloe Kardashian has been hit with recent claims that disgraced O.J. Simpson, lawyer Robert Kardashian, was not her father. 2 of his ex-wives are dishing it in the latest National Enquirer. The tabloid says, O.J. told friends that Khloe was his. They also point out the similarities Khloe shares with O.J.'s 26-year-old daughter Sydney. Robert and Kris were friends with O.J. "It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss," the source told the tabloid. Here's my favotite quote: "But they fell out when Nicole was murdered." Nothing spoils an affair like stabbing your wife to death. If the love fits... ~ Mac

BOOK REVIEW: Kitschy Christ?

Mr. Radosh is a mid-thirties, liberal, New York Jew who hadn't a clue about Christian pop culture (entertainment, leisure, shopping) and set out to expand his horizons in this area. What he came up with is a funny, frequently sarcastic, informative and hugely entertaining book.

Being a 51-year-old, agnostic, secular humanist (apparently in some circles, the bad guy), I understand quite a bit about American evangelicalism and how it historically evolved but I knew absolutely nothing about its insular pop culture. Mr. Radosh did a very good job covering many of these areas. The patrons of this stuff are almost exclusively white and fall into three sects. There are the traditionalists (fundamentalists), centrists and modernists. The author visits Christian trade shows, theme parks, book and magazine sales, gives a darned good assessment of the widely popular "Left Behind" book series, a superhero named Bibleman, Christian extreme skateboarding with Stephen Baldwin, rock music, raves (no kidding), comedians, pro wrestling (huh?), sex advice councelors, abstinence-only school programs and, finally, creationism and the quackery of Ken Ham's Creation Museum.

Mr. Radosh is correct when he states that insularity breeds intolerance and much of Christian pop culture lives within that bubble. The book reenforces my belief that bridging the gap between Fundamentalists and secular humanists is an absolutely lost cause. However, the author does see some postive signs in all this stuff because of the Christian centrists and modernists and gives a pretty convincing argument that the times are a changin'. I can only hope so. I highly recommend Mr. Radosh's book. I real eye-opener.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing book reviews under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review. #281)

Blow Me

All right. Now we're talkin'. If you live in Maine and it's mid-January, this is the kind of snowstorm you want. Three to five inches of the light, fluffy stuff. None of that mixture of snow and rain that makes you practically shit in your pants from straining with every shovelful you heave over the snowbank. That slushy crap has been the cause of countless hours of profanity, a swimming pool's worth of sweat and, at least, enough Ben-Gay to oil up the entire NFL roster list. Living close to the coast, near Portland, we do seem to get an inordinate amount of the snow/rain gunk.

It only took me an hour to clean our driveway, walkway and back deck. My two, ablebodied sons and lovely wife were happily in Dreamland while I did my husbandly duty. I started at 5:45 AM. and saw no need to wake up Zac and Jon to help out. They had school in a few hours and, considering how easy it was to clean it up with the snowblower, it would've been pretty dickish to haul their asses out of bed instead of letting them be well rested. Also, our State had been blessed with a very mild winter so far.

We Mainers go through three distinct stages of driveway snow removal:

Stage One takes place from November through January. Any snow that falls is quickly cleaned up. Every driveway in our neighborhood is immaculate with nary a snowflake to be seen sullying their works of art.

Stage Two occurs in February. While taking our two dogs on a daily, early-morning walk, I can see that our neighbors, much like me, are taking less pride in their work. The driveways have a more haphazard look. Clumps of snow are scattered about and, if the plow has gone by only after you cleaned, then you may just leave that shit at the end of your driveway until the next snowfall.

Stage Three happens from March until mud season. It is the fuck-it-I-can-drive-through-that-shit attitude.

I finished cleaning the driveway and put the snowblower away. It was early enough in the season that I took pride in doing a nice job. As a bonus, I had slipped on the icy parts of our the driveway and fallen on my ass only three times. I went to wake up the boys. I wondered if they'd notice the great job I did? Yeah... right. It's more likely to rain M&Ms.

(Meyers)

Photo Phunny JAN 20

George Carlin on Proper Fart Protocol

CARTOON FROM THE CRYPT

JUNE 25, 1998 (Thursday)

THE PORTLAND PRESS HERALD

Pageant Crack

This is just so WRONG! "We’re not sure exactly what’s in the 'concoction' but since Pixy Stix (known as “pageant crack”) 'don’t do anything for her' anymore, we’re guessing Alana’s supercharged drink is pretty potent.

Cockfight

Fish Tale

He's gonna need a 5-gallon tub of tartar sauce from Sam's Club to polish off that baby!

Lunch Time

Just when Jon thought it was safe to lower his guard when it came to his school lunch bag...