BOOK REVIEW: Okay, Okay... I'm Freaking Out Now

(Originally published 2010, Paperback edition 365 pages)

Towards the beginning of his book, Mr. Grice has a great line, "To consider animal behavior without history is to misunderstand it." The author then goes about describing how humans misread many potentially dangerous animals by anthropomorphizing their actions. He correctly argues that much of this is rooted in an arrogant religious mindset that human beings are at the top of the scale of value, so that any information that moves us lower must be explained as abnormal. This silly attitude isn't science but simply wishful thinking on the part of people. As he says, "In the real world, the significance of things is situational, not determined by some preordained ranking." Human actions, such as encroachment into other animals' habitats, factor largely in the hunting habits and conflicts which arise between us and other animals. This book explains what happens when we cross paths with creatures who are very capable of doing us harm or serving us up as the main meal on that day's culinary delights.

Many of Mr. Grice's stories of deadly animals getting the better of people sure tested my faith in the intelligence of mankind. There's no way around it, some of the victims were laughably stupid. The author has a wonderful, playful ability to explain dangerous wildlife in layman's terms. He covers all the bases. Land, air, water, you name it, there's something out there to do you in. Mr. Grice explains the habits of canines, cats, bears, hyenas (darned right scary fellahs), sharks, fish, whales, numerous other denizens of the deep, snakes, crocodiles, lizards, birds, monkeys, apes, chimps, bats, rodents, elephants, farm animals, and the one section that had me squirming through the entire seventy pages pertained to spiders, boatloads of different insects and worms. It's obvious the guy loves observing animals and knows his stuff. "The Book of Deadly Animals" is a highly informative, entertaining and amusing read. The only problem I have with the thing is that after reading the book I may never leave my house again. I want my mommy.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #306)

BOOK REVIEW: American Airheads

(Originally published 2008, Paperback edition 218 pages)

Holy smoke, Mr. Shenkman is a frustrated guy. Granted, he has a right to be. As he says in his book, merely publicly raising the topic of the U.S. citizenry being stupid is viewed as un-American. Ya think? I never cease to be amazed at bold statements many people of all political stripes will make that clearly show they don't even have a rudimentary understanding of how politics or economics work. I don't claim to be Albert Einstein, but for crying out loud, most Americans should at least understand simple things like how many branches of the federal government are there or that campaign commercials are mostly BS. That's probably why I liked Mr. Shenkman's book. The author may be a liberal but he had no qualms at taking to task not only conservatives but also liberals and independents.

Mr. Shenkman correctly claims and shows that American citizens are not fulfilling their obligations to maintaining a healthy democracy by being well informed, critical thinkers. The author addresses the superficiality by television news programs on their coverage of politics; the odious but effective campaign commercials; the inability or willingness of Americans to rationally address the causes of 9/11; as well as he serves up enough bon mots of American stupidity to have made me throughly depressed. Mr. Shenkman also demonstrates how we focus on inconsequential matters and ignore the important stuff. If you are an informed individual, the book should also make you question ever signing another ballot initiative.

Observing any campaign and it is easy to see that manipulation by fear and misinformation (a fancy word for lies) are the main ingredient used by politicians and interest groups. This is simply because it works. Myths move people, facts do not. The hardcover book was published in 2008 before the subprime-mortgage bubble burst which contributed to Barack Obama winning the presidency. Fortunately, an epilogue has been inserted into the paperback edition which covers the 2009 campaign. Is the public as stupid as Mr. Shenkman states? Well, to quote the female lightweight that had no business being within a country mile of the presidency "You betcha!" The book is a quick, informative rant about how stupid we really are. God, I need some chocolate.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #305)

BOOK REVIEW: You've Come A Looong Way, Baby

(Originally published 1968, Paperback edition 305 pages)

Back in the mid-1970s, I spied my mom's paperback copy of "Coffee, Tea or Me?" laying on a table. I casually opened the book and started flipping through the pages. The beginning of each chapter had one of Bill Wenzel's playful, voluptuous cartoon renditions of the stewardesses and, as a rural Maine, male teenager caught in the throes of puberty, they took my breath. Oh mercy, one of the cartoons even had a naked woman. From that moment on, I was all over this book like white on rice. Over thirty-five-years later, I wondered how my perceptions might have changed about this huge bestseller.

Penguin Publishing rereleased "Coffee, Tea or Me?" in 2003. This cover, unlike the 1970s version, includes the true author's, Donald Bain, name printed in black on the cover which makes it stand out more than the fictional names Trudy Baker and Rachel Jones who are barely legible in white type on a pale blue background. It's the publisher's way of accentuating who is the real creator of the book. Today, it's common knowledge that Mr. Bain took great liberties with actual episodes and attributed them to the two stewardesses instead other flight attendants. He wrote it in the first-person narrative of the character named Trudy Baker. Some of the writing is sloppy. On page one, Mr. Bain describes Rachel as a "rangy blonde" then on page 91 she's "fluffing her dark hair." The 2003 edition has an introduction by the author trying to rationalize why they attempted to pull the wool over people's eyes. Without ever coming out and saying it, basically, the dude lied.

However, with that said, it must be noted that the book was enjoyable because it does offer a window into being a stewardess during the 1960s as well as the mindset of Americans back then. Compared to today's standards, the book is pretty mild material. There's racier stuff to be found in one tv episode of "The Simpsons." The "memoir" starts with the gals being in high school then moves onto them enrolling in a six-week stewardess school. It's not exactly Harvard curriculum. After graduation, more adventures ensue in their living conditions, meeting celebrities, press junkets, drinking galore, handling kids, stew-spies and a whole chapter on gays. It's a time when women were always looking out for Mr. Right, gays were ridiculed, smoking was rampant, openly prejudicial practices were common against overweight, married or too old stewardesses. Some of the cultural references such as Sonny Tufts and Jack Armstrong I needed to check on the Internet. Overall, it's a very quick, light read that will only hold your interest if you're curious about stewardesses working in the 1960s.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #304)

Now We're Smokin'

ANOTHER FATHER-&-SON MOMENT

Zac (age 12) and I were driving back from Old Orchard Beach after he had spent the afternoon with six of his friends. My son started talking about how they went into a candy shop, bought some candy cigarettes and pretended to smoke them. Two adults (probably tourists) came up to Zac and Chris and asked if the boys could direct them to a local grocery store where they might also buy some cigarettes.

I said, "Ya know, Zac, candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to bubble gum cigars."

He laughed.

I continued, "Man, I remember in high school making out with a girl who smoked. It was like licking a friggin' ashtray." (I lefted out that I was shitfaced beyond reason that night.)

Zac said, "That sounds so gross."

I replied, "It certainly was. After that, there was no way in hell I was ever going to make out with a girl who smoked. In fact, I believe my vow is why so many women in the U.S. during 1970s started smoking. They were like 'Steve Meyers said what?... Hand me that fuckin' Marlboro.'"

BOOK REVIEW: Jailbird Justice

(Originally published 2008, Paperback edition 618 pages)

The characters and plot of Mr. Archer's A Prisoner of Birth are somewhat predictable. The story took about a hundred pages before the thing got my undivided attention. It would take a pretty dimwitted individual not to quickly realize that Danny Cartwright is going to get the girl, his revenge and be swimming in loot by the end of the story. The good guys are good. The bad guys are bad. Danny's and Beth's love for each other is unbreakable. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. That's okay because besides the author being a very good storyteller, he does sprinkle in enough tiny mysteries and plot twists to keep the reader engaged. I especially enjoyed that Mr. Archer makes Danny's ascent and revenge due not only to his abilities but also because other key characters believed he got a raw deal and were at his disposal. There was also one nasty piece of work named Kevin Leach who I wished had had an even larger role in the book. A Prisoner of Birth isn't great literature, but so what. It's simply a fun, summer read. That'll do just fine for me.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #303)

Now We're Cookin'

Not Cut Out For This

(AN EDUCATIONAL FAMILY MOMENT)

Monique said, "Zac, I know people who have adopted kids and THEN got pregnant. It's not unheard of."

Both our sons (ages 13 and 12) are adopted.

I said, "Right... And you and Jon getting a brother or sister in that way just ain't gonna happen. Do you know why?"

Zac replied, "I don't wanna hear this."

Monique said, "There's one reason."

I replied, "One? There's two."

"Well, one major reason."

"Which one do you think is the major reason?"

Zac deadpanned again, "I really don't want to hear this."

Monique said, "Well, the second reason is maybe I can't get pregnant (menopause). Tell Zac the major reason."

"I really don't want to hear this."

I said, "Mom's right. I had a vasectomy. That's the major reason. I'm pretty sure I've told you that quite a few times before."

Zac slowly shook his head back and forth, "I didn't need to know that."

"And do you know what would happen IF Mom got pregnant?"

"Please stop."

"Once Mom gave birth to the kid, I'd put it up for adoption."

Monique laughed, "That would be ironic."

Zac turned the volume up on his headset.

BOOK REVIEW: The Scheme Team

(Originally published 2005, Paperback Edition 755 pages)

To say I was flummoxed by the handful of one-star Amazon reviews of Ms. Goodwin's excellent book is a mild understatement. Over the years, I have read a couple dozen books about Lincoln and the Civil War and, without question, Team of Rivals is one of my favorites. Instead of focusing on the key battles, she takes great pains in showing the evolution of some of the major players in President Lincoln's cabinet. There are oodles of books out there explaining in minute detail every key battle if you yearn for such works. This is not one of those books. The reason President Obama and Secretary of State Clinton enjoyed Team of Rivals is very likely because it explains the conflicting, strong personalities surrounding Lincoln and how he was able to manipulate situations to his and the nation's advantage.

The book starts off by following the lives of four main characters: Abraham Lincoln, William Seward, Salmon Chase and Edward Bates. The only odd aspect about this selection of people is the author's focus on Edward Bates. It was interesting to read about the man's life, but Mr. Bates didn't really hold a candle to Edwin Stanton when it came to historical impact. Eventually, Ms. Goodwin brings the Secretary of War more into the picture and relegates Mr. Bates into the background with other administrators such as Gideon Welles and Francis Blair. It's clear Ms. Goodwin is a huge admirer of President Lincoln and, apparently, less so of such people as the machiavellian Treasury Secretary Salmon Chase and the ineffective popinjay, General William McClellan. Personally, I don't blame her. I'm amazed Lincoln never kicked Chase's and McClellan's front teeth out. The President certainly had many opportunities and reasons to do so.

Team of Rivals is a work about the machinations of power and not the bloody battles that caused over 600,000 deaths in the four-year war. Her writing style fits perfectly in bringing these historic individuals to life. Such episodes as Willie Lincoln's death and the assassination of President Lincoln and Secretary of State Seward truly moved me. Even today, President Lincoln still has his detractors, but they are a minor, misguided group. Our sixteenth president was one of our nation's greatest leaders. He was a humanitarian burdened with trying to keep a very fractured nation as one. His intelligence, intuitive judgment and nearly perfect political timing were truly remarkable. Ms. Goodwin has done an extraordinary job in bringing these people back to life. There were many a late night I couldn't put this sucker down. Simply outstanding.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #302)

Growth Spurt

It's bad enough old age has me periodically trimming my ear and nose hairs, but now my damn eyebrows are taking their cues from friggin' Muppets.

Nosy Patient

I got myself ready for my dentist appointment this morning: brushed my teeth; flossed; clipped my nose hairs and left a tip for the dentist by placing a jellybean in each nostril.

Head's Up

(ANOTHER FATHER-&-SON MOMENT WHILE DRIVING BACK FROM HIS DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT)

I asked, "How did your physical go?"

Zac replied, "Pretty good except for the fact that a stranger was inspecting my penis."

"She's not a stranger. She's been your doctor since you were a baby. And trust me, the doctor sees plenty of guys' junk during the day that it doesn't even phase her."

"Uh huh."

"In faaaact, do ya know what would be neat? You could do something to break up the monotony of her having to see all those penises. Next year when you have your physical, put a little finger puppet like a cute mouse on the end of it."

"Wouldn't I have to be erect?"

"Naaah, look at your finger. It would be best if your dink was limp."

"It'll fall off."

"No problem. We'll attach it with Super Glue."

"We?"

Shake Dat Thing

(ANOTHER FATHER-&-SON MOMENT)

I asked Zac, "So, do you guys still follow that rule where you only dance with someone you're dating?"

He replied, "It isn't a rule. We do it out of respect for the one we're dating."

"That's silly. Back when I was in school, we didn't just dance with the person we were dating. In fact, even now Mom and I will go dancing and do The Grind with total strangers. They don't even have to be..."

Zac interrupted and deadpanned, "You have to stop talking now."

Stinkin' At Bein' Lincoln

While reading Doris Kearns Goodwins' Team of Rivals I read the the following sentence: "(Abraham) Lincoln did not drink (I thought "Hey! That's me!"), smoke tobacco (me again!), engage in games of chance (me again!) or use profane language (fuck) ..."

Birds Of A Feather

After Zac's appointment with his doctor, we swung by McDonald's and I got him a meal because he had missed his school lunch period. I hadn't eaten anything today, but didn't want to spend more of what little cash I had on junk food for myself.

While driving him to school, he happily ate the Bacon Cheese Angus Burger, a large french fry, two apple pies and a Oreo milk shake. My son the health nut. It was absolute torture to have those smells wafting through the car and me starving. I dropped Zac off as well as picked up Jon at Middle School and returned home. Before throwing the McDonald's bag into our recycle bin, I spied three french fries laying in the bottom of the bag. Greedily, I scarfed them down.

This is what parenthood has done to me. I've taken on the dinner habits of a friggin' sea gull in a McDonald's parking lot.