Tweets 2

 I opened a Twitter account this year and began tweeting random thoughts and observations. It's a good place to dump the gunk running through my head as well as a nice mental exercise. Hey, it keeps me off the streets.

My wife HATES to travel. Her plans to fly to one of the company's sites was cancelled & now she's laughing like a stoner on some primo shit.

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It's always a joy to unknowingly be the next person after my sons to take the jug out of the fridge, shake it and give myself an OJ shower.

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Adults who ate healthy, exercised, got plenty of rest, didn't smoke and are now dying too soon must be pissed Keith Richards is still alive.

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My creative, 14-year-old son made a pretty flower out of tissue.

I said, "That's beautiful, Zac."

He replied, "Now let's burn it."

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Yuck. Nobody should have to start their day by accidentally poking a hole through a sheet of toilet paper.

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None of the parenting books, we read through the years, ever prepared my wife and I in dealing with our teenager's request to buy a sloth.

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Why is it whenever I'm pressed for time I get trapped behind a driver who seems to be practicing for a funeral procession?

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I assume any man I see wearing a suit and bow tie is very intelligent and a virgin.

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Doing yard work eventually makes me yearn for the natural beauty of asphalt.

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My son & his friend are going to see 'Iron Man 3' while I stay home, cooking chicken and thinking up some excuse to ground him out of spite.

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Parenthood is not a job for the self-absorbed.

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A father, watching his son play while wearing a towel as a cape, wonders if the kid will grow up to be a Superman, a Batman, or a Liberace.

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 It's gonna be a hell of a looooong day when I already used up my second wind getting out of bed.

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Trust me. No parent is doing their kid any favors by either calling or legally naming them Honey Boo Boo especially if the child is a boy.