I opened a Twitter account this year and began tweeting random thoughts and observations. It's a good place to dump the gunk running through my head as well as a nice mental exercise. Hey, it keeps me off the streets.
As a teenager, I assumed based upon their limited options on the island
that Ginger and Mary Ann were screwing the Professor silly.
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When the hell did plastic surgery and Botox customers come to view the
Holy Grail of Beauty is Odo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine?
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A dance floor full of couples grinding looks like a charades competition for the mentally challenged.
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Simply standing near tabloid magazines at the grocery check-out line lowers your IQ.
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Based upon the taste and texture, black licorice is made from the sludge at the bottom of petroleum barrels.
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My inner voice is that of a three-year-old when my alarm clock goes off.
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Four out of five waiters/waitresses will ask me if I want bacon on my veggie burger.
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M&Ms should come out with a Baby Boomer variety that is fortified with ibuprofen.
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Most men are going to be seriously upset if when they die, the dudes discover Heaven is just one humongous curtain store.
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Equality in a heterosexual marriage ends at the allocation of closet space.
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An 18-wheeler drifted into my lane and I scored a perfect 10.0 on the
anus-puckered scale. My ass almost sucked up the driver seat's vinyl.
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When I woke up, my dog was laying next to me, staring into my eyes &
sporting an erection. He's taking "man's best friend" a little too far.
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There comes a point where old dudes who color their hair to appear
younger, instead, just look like Yoda wearing a shitty toupee.
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I'm watching "The Poseidon Adventure." I remember seeing it as a kid and
thinking Ernest Borgnine was fat. Now I think he looks thin.
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Many drivers don't seem to understand how windshields work. Not only can
you see out but we can see in while you're picking your nose.
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When the woman stepped into the elevator, I suddenly began having
hallucinations. Ladies, unless it smells of bacon, go easy on the
perfume.
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My wife & 2 sons are sleeping in the car. I'm driving, tired &
fighting the urge to wake them by slamming on the brakes while
screaming.
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Arguing that the gun debate choices are either all the guns you want or
no guns shows your reasoning powers stagnated at the age of five.
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The only time I dance anymore is when I'm holding in a major piss.
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I accidentally hit one of our lampshades and I'm now in the middle of a dust blizzard.
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As a surprise, I bought my son two Reese's cups and they were delicious. Don't tell him.
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I'm eating a bland salad while watching my two teenage sons happily
scarf down strips of bacon. This must be what triggers child abuse.
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If you were one of the people on St. Patrick's Day standing in line to
enter a bar at 6AM to start celebrating, alcohol isn't your friend.
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It would be cool if instead of white smoke spewing out when the cardinals choose a new pope, the smokestack shoots out Skittles.
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After 3 weeks working in NY, my wife has returned home. When she entered
the house, it took 3.523 seconds for her to be covered in dog hair.
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Walking our dogs in 0-degree weather; under-dressed; & suddenly
having an intense need to poop aren't conducive to maintaining good
posture.
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Apparently, our two, teenage sons' autoimmune systems will recognize any ingested vegetable as a hostile foreign substance.
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I've been praying like mad to God he won't hold it against me that I'm an atheist.
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