In Praise Of A Hero

Oh... My... God... What an experience. I'm tellin' ya, a statue the size of the Empire State Building should be built of the person who invented Charmin's Ultra Soft toilet paper.

Dynamic Duo

My wife, Monique, said, "Well, before you go to Splashtown, there have to be at least two guys and two girls before I let you go. You know... So the guys and girls have someone to go to the bathroom with."

Our 14-year-old son, Zac, stared at Monique and sternly stated, "I don't go with someone to the bathroom."

I said, "But who holds it for you?" Zac didn't reply.

Pyro Paul

When I saw this Huffington Post headline, I thought, "The heck with Paul Ryan's stance on abortion.

I wanna know how he makes that ball of fire float between his fingers?

That's X-Men shit right there, people."

BOOK REVIEW: Lead, Follow Or Get The Hell Out Of The Way

(Originally published 2001, Paperback edition 555 pages)

While Mr. Morris's previous volume, "The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt," was a more rollicking adventure than this second volume, "Theodore Rex" is still an excellent work. The book covers the years of his presidency (1901-1909). The story bolts out of the gate where the vacationing, 42-year-old Roosevelt is barrelling down a mountain soon after he finds out that President McKinley has been shot. Based upon the introduction, I thought the second volume was going to have the same feel as the first one. It wasn't the case. Instead, the biography settles into describing the machinations of early 20th-Century politics. I felt it helped quite a bit to have read the first volume and understand what makes Teddy tick.

People in Washington D.C. were understandably nervous about a Roosevelt Administration. Everything about his past blared out that the guy never did anything small. It is a time before broadcast radio, the automobile, child-labor laws, food safety, conservationism and worker rights. But other things will sound all too familiar to present-day politics: power struggles in both domestic and the world theater, the arrogant rich manipulating the levers of Washington by throwing gobs of money at it, outsized egos, hypocrisy and Congressional stonewalling. There are also some bon mots like President Roosevelt near-death experience during the first year of his administration and the story on how the teddy bear came to have his name. Other notables of the era such as Henry James who came up with the name Theodore Rex, Henry Adams, J.P. Morgan, Booker T. Washington and Oliver Wendell Holmes make appearances. Also, Mr. Morris focuses on other key, powerful figures who have unjustifiably faded from memory like Elihu Root and Philander Knox.

The man's presidency was one of progressive movement forward. My God, the guy was instrumental in dramatically expanding our national parks, starting the construction of the Panama Canal, making our Navy a world power, taking on trusts or monopolies through the use of the Sherman Act, helping end the Russo-Japanese War and reluctantly walking away from the presidency when he could have easily had a third term. He, much like his distant relative Franklin Delano Roosevelt came to be viewed during his presidency, was looked upon as a traitor to his class. I came to laugh at many of the dire, end-of-the-world predictions by Wall Street and conservative politicians because of President Theodore Roosevelt's progressive actions. Even back in the early 1900s, socialism was thrown about with such abandon by conservatives at even the slightest hint of trying to help the downtroddened. It all sounds EXACTLY like what we hear today. I must stress that I don't believe the book holds up as well as a stand-alone biography. Read the "The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt" first. Great history such as Mr. Morris's entertaining and informative biography helps me keep life in perspective.

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #314)

Book Worm Your Way Out Of This One

Two, sweet, middle-school girls, who are friends with our middle-school sons, biked over to our house while Jon & I were doing yard work. The girls also have very nice parents.

Zac had just brought the mail home and the girls asked, "What's in the box?"

I replied, "Books." Then the girls started telling us what books they were reading. I nonchalantly said, "Ask your mom if you can read Fifty Shades of Grey?"

They said, "Okay."

I'm such a little stinker.l:)

Work Hard Play Hard

While driving my 13-year-old son, Zac, to soccer practice at 7:30AM, he plugged his iPhone into the car's music portal and said, "Ah, Dad, ya gotta hear this new song I just found."

The singer was some guy named Wiz Khalifa. I had to admit the song was a catchy tune. The radio was cranked up and our car windows happened to be down. It was your typical, beautiful, late Summer, New England morning; the sun was out, the birds were chirping. It was the next best thing to heaven. A few downtown Gorham residents, who were putting out their trash, jogging or on a pleasant morning walk, got to hear some of the following lyrics as we drove by:

"Diamonds all on my brain, nigga

Gold watches, gold chain, nigga
Hundred thou’ on champagne, nigga
Yeah, my money insane, nigga
Yeah, I’m making it rain, nigga
When I was just on a plane, nigga
Buying gear, flying here
Fuck what you heard, its my time of year..."

 While the song kept playing, I deadpanned, "This isn't new, Zac. I heard this song on Sesame Street."

Hairy Situation

Ever since I started shaving my armpits, using the hair to make tiny toupees as well as Hitler mustaches and then gluing them to toads living around our house, we don't get company anymore.

Feeling Frisky

Why don't people Superglue a bunch of live cats to their naked bodies anymore?

Knock Three Times At Death's Door

Now that they're old, shouldn't they be renamed

Tony Orlando and Dusk?



Bummer

I wonder if anyone has ever accidentally sat on a can of Reddi-wip and emptied the entire whipped-cream contents up into their large intestine?

To Muffin Or Not To Muffin

Last night, Monique made some gluten-free muffins with fresh blueberries. Early this morning, I said, "Ooo, can I try one?"

"Sure."

She walked over with the large plate and lifted the cloth. It was friggin' empty. I hate my sons.

Ear-itating Spider

This morning, Monique and I were talking in bed and I said, "Did you hear about this woman in China that they found a spider living in her ear?"

"Really? That's gross."

"I know. Apparently, the article said bugs will sometimes crawl into ears and live there because it's moist and warm. I guess the woman's ear was bothering her so much that after a few days she went to the hospital and the doctors found a spider in it. The picture was friggin' freaky."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Guess how they got it out? They couldn't just try and pull it out with tweezers because it might have bit or punctured the woman's ear."

"I don't know. They used peanut butter to coax it out?"

"BWAAHHAHAHA!!! Peanut butter?!! No! They squirted saline solution in the ear! Peanut butter?!!! BWAAAHAHAHA! I can just see them putting a spoon full of peanut butter near her ear and the spider crawling out and saying to itself, 'Oooooooo, a Skippy bug."

That's My Boy

While standing near me at the kitchen sink, Zac oozed out a self-satisfying, "Aaaaaah."

That sure got my attention. I whipped my head away from looking at my hands immersed in the dishwater, glared at my son and asked, "Did you just fart?"


My son deadpanned, "Nope. When I fart I say, 'I smell victory.'"

Say It Ain't So

I may be losing it. I just berated a telemarketer recording.

Boston's Bill Burr

 After watching the stand up routine on Netflix, Monique asked, "What's his name again?"

I replied, "Bill Burr."

Our 12-year-old son, Jon, smirked,

"Is his last name Baggins?"

Navel Intelligence

Everybody knows there are two kinds of belly buttons: an insy and an outsy. I have an insy. When I was a kid, bored and alone, I'd sometimes pick the lint out of my navel. Naturally, curiosity eventually got the better of me and I sniffed the tip of my finger. It had a distinctive aroma. Do you remember your navel odor? I do. And, last night, it was oddly the exact smell on my dog's breath.

A Dad's Lament

A Dog Named Sting

"Gurblig Oook Gobblygook Urk"

Okay... Here goes... Kate Middleton is makes-me-weak-in-the-knees pretty. So there. I said it. In all likelihood, if I ever met her, I'd be a gibbering idiot. Well... more of a gibbering idiot than I already am. And that's a damn big gibbering idiot... God, I'm such an idiot... Gibbering right now.