Learning Curve Ball

Tonight, I was helping Zac review the history/geography material for tomorrow's 9th-grade midterm. I'm not sure if it was a good thing. We got into a heated argument about the Alps. He said they were located right above Italy and I said he was full of shit because Alps was the goofy-looking, sarcastic alien on TV who kept trying to eat that family's cat.

Animal Attraction

Mind You...

Parenthood is having intense love for your child

sprinkled with fleeting thoughts of infanticide.

BOOK REVIEW: Delusion Redux

(Originally published 1977, Mass Market Paperback 518 pages)

The second book in Mr. Donaldson's trilogy is not a stand-alone work. It is important to read the first installment "Lord Foul's Bane" to appreciate Thomas Covenant's situation. If you're interested in tackling this trilogy, it's important to understand it is an almost 1,500-page commitment (Mass Market paperback total.) I am not much of a fantasy-book reader. I've read "Lord of the Rings," the Harry Potter series, as well as a few other works, but my reading habits are much more eclectic. I revisited the first Thomas Covenant trilogy because I was curious if I would still enjoy it as much as I did back in the early 1980s when I was in my early twenties. My answer is a resounding yes.

Though only about a month has transpired in Thomas Covenant's real world, forty years have passed in the Land. Many of the characters from "Lord Foul's Bane" return in this storyline such as Lord Mhoram and Bannor of the Bloodguard. Mr. Donaldson also injects three other key protagonists who have complex relationships with Covenant. There is High Lord Elena (a reminder of his past crime,) Amok (a mysterious messenger,) and most interestingly, Hile Troy (a blind man from Covenant's real world.) The structure of the book is similar to J.R.R. Tolkien's "Two Towers." Part One involves all the characters. Part Two and Three are separate adventures where one is seen primarily through the perspective of Warmark Hile Troy and the other chapter through Covenant's eyes.

"The Illearth War" is very much an adult fantasy work. It does not involve profanity, sex or very graphic depictions of violence as compared to today's sensibilities, but much of the musings are people wrestling with moral quandaries. The irasible, pessimistic Thomas Covenant is a more sympathetic character this time around. Also, there are strong female characters in the book. While "Lord Foul's Bane" was an introduction to Thomas Covenant and the Land involving many adventures, "The Illearth War" is a more robust, brutal installment. There is no way under the sun I'll be able to move on to another book before reading the last work in the trilogy "The Power That Preserves." 

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #340)

The Customer Is Always Good-Looking

I stood at the counter while the administrator typed in the information. She asked me, "And how do you feel?"

I replied, "My face feels like Marlon Brando from the Godfather movie."

The dentist's administrator as well as two other women behind the counter happily chimed in, "Oooooh, you look fine."

I paid the bill, walked out to my car, got in and looked into the rearview mirror at my novocaine-filled mouth. Those women were full of shit. I was one humped-back away from being Dr. Frankenstein's assistant.

Dressed For Success

This morning, my wife, Monique, said as Jon and I were about to leave, "After you drop off Jon at school, could you go to Hannaford and pick up some yogurts?"

I gestured to the crappy, old sweatpants and frumpy sweatshirt I was wearing and replied, "I'm not walking into a store looking like this."

Jon said in all seriousness, "Dad, this time of day, it's only ole grannies at the store. You'll fit right in."

If Only... If Only...

Now You're Cookin'!!!!

Maine Hospitality

The heavy set, short gentleman was carrying four coffees in one hand and a bag in the other. He had just parked his car and was ambling towards Monique and me. I held the door open for him.

He smiled and said, "Nope," he pointed towards his right, "I'm going into my shop right there."

I asked, "Would you like me to open it for you?"

"Naaaw, I got it." He shook his head and entered the open door to his shop, "All you Mainers are so friendly."

I tripped the bastard. Coffee and pastries went flying all over the inside of his shop. Welcome to Maine, you fucking out-of-stater.

Livin' In Maine: The Whitest State In The U.S.

Jon (age 12) said, "Dad, one of the teachers told me she taught my sister last year." 

Jon has no sister.

I said, "Did she also ask you if you were a personal friend of Nelson Mandela?"

Maine: The Very Friendly State

First time I've used Portland's fancy-shmancy parking meters. We were able to pay by debit card. It also gave me my horoscope, the winning Powerball ticket numbers and a blowjob.

BOOK REVIEW: It Has A Familiar Ring To It, But...

(Originally published 1977, Mass Market Paper 474 pages)

Sure, if your familiar the 'Lord of the Rings' then Mr. Donaldson's Thomas Covenant trilogy might seem like a cheap knockoff of the whole Middle-earth franchise. Please, cast that assumption aside. Yes, 'Lord Foul's Bane' has an evil entity with immense powers and, yes, both Tolkien's and Donaldson's books have a powerful ring at the center of it all, but that's where the similarities end. The mythical place where Thomas Covenant finds himself has no orcs, dragons, trolls, elves or dwarves. And yet, the richly described characters in Donaldson's book are just as interesting and engaging as the beings who inhabit Middle-earth. In fact, I found Mr. Donaldson's writing much more to my liking than Tolkien's style.

Thomas Covenant was a happily married father who suddenly contracts leprosy. Needless to say, his wonderful life takes a major dive into the crapper. The author takes pains to explain what the horrible condition of leprosy is as well as how it destroys a person's physical and mental wellbeing. This is very important to understand, because the protagonist, Thomas Covenant, is a very bitter, tactless, humorless, self-loathing dude THROUGHOUT the book. Heck, the leper is as far remove from a whimsical Hobbit as you could possibly get without turning him into a villian. For some reason that is not explained in the first book, Covenant and his white-gold ring fit the bill of what The Land needs. He's transported to a world that views him as their reincarnated savior, Berek Halfhand, because of his wedding ring and the two missing fingers on his right hand. There's a big problem with this scenario. Covenant hasn't a friggin' clue how his ordinary ole wedding ring works its dormant magic.

The book is an immersion into a fantastic world of well-defined characters, exciting adventures and adult moral quandaries. As Thomas Covenant, who believes he's dreaming this whole thing, travels about the magical world, the reader also learns about The Land, its wonders as well as dangers at the same time the sourpuss leper does. It's obvious that Thomas Covenant isn't going to be kicking the bucket in the first book of the trilogy. However, there are plenty of likable characters to make it an edge-of-your-seat adventure. It should be pointed out that I'm not sure if the book is appropriate for anyone younger than high schoolers. The story involves a one-page, somewhat-vaguely-described rape scene. I read this back in 1978 when I was 18. I enjoyed it then and I'm enjoying it even more this second time around. 

(Meyers - A few years ago, I started writing, under the pseudonym Franklin the Mouse, short reviews at Amazon's web site. This is my most recent review #339)

Dream Weaver

Zac's friend said, "Mr. M, do ya wanna hear an weird dream I had?"
I replied, "I don't want to hear the dream of any kid who's in the middle of puberty."
"Naw, Mr. M. It doesn't involve anything to do with sex."
"Then I definitely don't want to hear it."

The Lowdown On Downton

I walked by our family room. 'Downton Abbey' was playing on television. I asked Monique, "Is there any character named Heathcliff on the show?"

She replied, "No... Why?"

"It just sounds like the kind of name someone would have on that type of show... How about Victoria?"

"No."

"I bet two characters have never French kissed on the show. Ya know... Given each other a real good tongue-lashing."

Our 14-year-old son, Zac, who had been sitting quietly at the kitchen table and eating, deadpanned through a mouthful of apple-crisp pie, "Fifty Shades of Downton."

Pack Up All Your Troubles

At 9:43AM, this morning, I walked up to the Staples UPS counter. The woman behind the counter asked in a neutral tone, "How are you today?"

I set my package down and replied in an equally neutral tone, "I'm doing well. Thank you. And how are you doing?"

"Good."

"Have you ever given another reply besides 'good?'"

"Ehhh... No."

"But you couldn't possibly be doing good every time someone has asked you that while working behind this counter?" 

"Ehhh... No."

"So, you've lied to customers." 

"Ehhh... (Giggle. Giggle) Yes."

"So, how do I know you're not lying to me?" 

"(Giggle. Giggle.) Well, today, I'm doing really good."

"The next time a customer comes up to your counter and asks you how you're doing, see if they're really paying attention. Say, 'My. Life. Is. A. Living. Hellllllll.'" 

After I left, I bet the woman took her employee break early today.